Jocko’s Epic: A Doomed Bromance

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Jocko is a retarded snake-eating giant.

Sadly for Jocko, he is a very old and feeble retarded snake-eating giant, in fact the oldest and feeblest retarded snake-eating giant in his entire extended retarded snake-eating giant family of over five thousand retarded snake-eating brother giants.

While the typical retarded snake-eating giant will happily admit to having sired at least a thousand children—that he knows of—Jocko has none. This is because Jocko is so unfortunately unattractive that he has always had great difficulty finding a girlfriend… and every time he has found one, at the big moment of truth his new girlfriend has always turned out to be Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is desperately in love with Jocko and has been stalking him, Gollum-style, for Jocko’s entire life. Jocko believes that Chuck is retarded, and thanks to the family resemblance has resisted the inclination to kill and eat him, despite the fact that Chuck is merely human and therefore very nearly food. Also, retarded Chuck can only express his affection by roundhouse-kicking Jocko in various places, which Jocko secretly (and shamefully) very much enjoys.

Jocko resents the lonely life Chuck has inflicted on him, and is regularly on the point of finally killing and eating Chuck anyway, when another roundhouse kick once again softens his heart.

In truth, Chuck Norris is not retarded at all. Chuck is actually the local projection of a weakly-Godlike colony of hyperdimensional simulated lobsters orbiting a rhetorical singularity generated by the collected works of Charles Stross. The lobsters have a plan for Jocko, which they probably won’t get to share until after it’s too late.

But Chuck is aware of none of this. Instead—being completely and dangerously insane—Chuck believes he is the local projection of a weakly-Godlike colony of hyperdimensional time-traveling lobsters orbiting a rhetorical singularity generated by the collected works of Stephen Baxter. The time-traveling lobsters have a plan for Jocko which is completely at odds with the simulated lobsters’ plan, but none of it really matters since the universe is going to collapse before either plan actually comes to fruition.

Meanwhile, Chuck’s in love, and he doesn’t much care what the lobsters think about it.

There is a quest, and Jocko gets after it. I’d tell you what it’s all about, but the story ends before it really matters anyway, so fuck it.

Along the way, Jocko is ambushed by a monster who roundhouse-kicks him in the head, transforming it to stone. Luckily, the head of every retarded snake-eating giant is already solid bone to begin with. The conversion of his brain from bone to stone creates in Jocko a burst of mental acuity that renders him temporarily merely slightly retarded—rather than permanently actually completely retarded—enabling him to defeat the monster instantly by noticing that the monster is also, in fact, Chuck Norris. Once Jocko’s intel grows stale, he forgets why he was so mad, and then Chuck roundhouse kicks him again and everything’s totally cool.

Also, it turns out maybe Jocko’s head wasn’t actually turned to stone to begin with. Hard to tell.

The story regularly cuts to Tim, a hairless troll who lives under the Golden Gate Bridge. Tim is supposed to be writing his next book, but each time we visit him he is instead doing some random outlandish thing with one of his podcast guests.

We never learn the title of Tim’s new book until our story abruptly ends, just painfully short of victory for Jocko and Chuck, when Tim inscribes the final period at the end of The Four Hour Author and sets down his crayon, causing the Stross and Baxter singularities to collide, whereupon the entire extended hyperdimensional universe promptly folds itself up until it is all sharp corners and ceases to exist, lobsters and all.

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P.S. Written with great love and admiration for five of my all-time favorite people:

If any of you guys are offended by this, as a mitigating factor please consider just how much sillier I made the other four look! 🙂

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